The future and a bit of a rant.

Consider this the first "official" entry. Usually, my posts will be much more in depth and ten times longer, but I'm bored right now, so this will have to fill up my free time.

Over the past week and one day, I've been having a really tough time figuring out my life. Why am I so specific on my time line? It has been exactly eight days since the AHS Class of 2008 Graduation. Unfortunately, I had to know a few people leaving me to rot at Amarillo High for another year, those few people I've gotten very close to. It was extremely difficult to watch them walk across the stage and receive their diplomas while thousands of people looked on to see their sons, daughters, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, cousins and friends start a new chapter in their life. That Saturday had me crying most of the day, trying not to think of what would happen later on. I hugged four graduates after they received their diplomas, one of my best friends having already left the Civic Center to go home and set up for her graduation party. One of the four that I hugged brought on more tears than I thought he could have. Sadie (the one that already left) had been one of my closest friends since my sophomore year, and just hearing her name being called out made me break down completely. The other tear-jerker had a class with me my junior year; it was a study-hall class for him, but nonetheless, a class. I had band with him my sophomore year (I volunteered as a Spice Girl for the band's Marching show), but I hadn't gotten to know him until my schedule got changed at the beginning of my junior year. We have quite the history (details will be left untold), and in the end a friend of my ruined a perfectly good friendship. Truth be told, I was furious for many reasons:
1. I was mad at myself for letting her send that message to him on myspace, despite my attempts to talk her out of it.
2. I was mad at myself for allowing her to get away with something so STUPID at orchestra UIL.
3. I was furious at her for doing what she did. How could she? She knew it was wrong.
Anyway... As much as we didn't get along until after a few small fights (started by me...stupid me) and a ton of apologies (also from me), it still hurt to watch him leave. I didn't even realize it was his turn to walk across the stage until Heather grabbed my arm. After the ceremony, I saw him walking with teary-eyed Jessica (who's sister had graduated). I got to hug him one last time, all the while sobbing. After we let go, I let him leave. I turned and walked away, paused for a minute, and sat on the ground and starting bawling some more.

Watching my friends graduate made me think: In a year, I'll be doing the same thing. College isn't too far away, and I still haven't taken any major exams that would help me into a university (i.e. SAT, ACT, AP exams). Those will be taken care of, naturally. I still don't know what I want to major/minor in, though I'm thinking music will be involved in college. I've always loved reading and writing, so maybe English literature or education (I've been told I'm a great teacher) could be in the cards for me....then again, I've loved weather too... but I don't want to go to Tech or OU. I want to stay close to home, but not. WT is looking mighty fine right now, as is San Angelo State. I'm also keeping an eye on the prices (making WT look even better). It's a scary thought--Graduating in a year. It hit me today while I was driving my mom back home from Wal-Mart. Life as I know it is ending, then starting over. I don't even know what to do.

I'm reluctant to leave. I'm not scared, but I'm nervous because I'm a procrastinator, an extremely lazy girl. Too lazy. It's never a good thing when you're like that and the biggest event in life thus far is happening in less than a year. I can't believe that the real world is starting so quickly. Some days, I want the world to stop moving so I can pick up the pieces to my life, then everything can carry on as usual. However, life doesn't work like that, does it? I can't pick up the remote and press pause and everything just stops moving, like something out of a movie. After college, it's the real deal, though school after high school is the "real deal" since it's not mandatory. Anyway... After college, the real stuff begins: jobs, houses and mortgages, cars, FAMILY.

Family is a scary thought too. I'm going to be having kids in like... what? Five to ten years? Oh, my gosh. I'm not even 5'3". How the heck am I going to handle being pregnant? And I have to manage a husband and a job at the same time. I'm stressing out before I even hit college about stuff like this. I hate the way I am right now, thinking about it. The husband thing is scary too. Who am I going to marry? Will I be ready for marriage? Can I handle the stress of preparing for a wedding? DO I ALREADY KNOW MY FUTURE HUSBAND?? Probably not. All of the guys I know are:
1. Ex-boyfriends who I can't see as anymore than friends
2. Ex-boyfriends who are like my brothers--or are complete jerks.
3. Ex-boyfriends who I can't trust anymore.
4. Immature and/or "in love" with someone else OR
5. Guys that I've never dated (nor plan to) but are just very good friends and I can't see them as anymore than that.
It's all so complex. I hate the fact that I can't see into the future. I want to know, but at the same time, I'm scared to. I want to know what I'm going to major in in college (yes, two ins... it's supposed to be like that)... that's something I'm not scared of. There are things I do want to know and things that I wouldn't want to know until they happen.

I thoroughly dislike waiting. I'm THE most impatient person I know, not to mention one of the most jealous. I'm jealous of people who know what they're doing after high school, I'm jealous of people who've already found their "soul mates", I'm jealous of people who know what life holds for them, even though they don't know for sure. No one can control their future. I don't know a single person who's said "I WILL do this with no problems" and they do just that: No problems. Problems will come up, guarantee.

I think I'm done for today. Thank you for reading this. It's taken me a good 45 minutes to write this, but more than likely, it will be one of my shortest (besides the prior blog).
Much love.