Hello, Summer.

I've officially completed my first year as a college student. Come August, I will be a sophomore at West Texas A&M University. Yaaay!

Corey and I have hit the 8-month mark, going on nine in about two-ish weeks. It's been one heck of a roller-coaster, to say the least. Many fights, but also many fun and sentimental times. Honestly, it's been hard... Really hard. But through it all, we've managed to work past everything that would even come close to jeopardizing our relationship. We've come too far to throw it all away.

Speaking of Corey, I'm sitting here typing this blog in his place of employment. His dad recently opened a snowcone stand in Midland, Texas, which is about 250 miles from my house in Amarillo. We're doing what we can to not stay bored, and as I type, he's getting ice from the Schlotzsky's next door.

Speaking of Schlotzsky's, I'm no longer employed there. Everybody scream with joy! WOOOOO! I now work at Applebee's and I am making fantastic money there. I even got to buy new tires! It's so much better than the other place, but if my relationship with Corey continues, I'll be stuck with Schlotzsky's foreverrr. lols

This is really freaking short, but I'm gonna help my boyfriend not be bored anymore. Maybe I'll update this more... Probably not.

-Ashlie

I'm falling behind.

Since college started, I really haven't had the time to type a blog entry, but, now, after about ten hours of work, I'm ready to type. I've been writing in a journal since November-ish, and it's quite soothing, but anyhoo.

I just finished my first semester of college. During that time, I have experienced the following:
-Midterms
-Finals
-Research project
-Boring lectures
-Intriguing lectures
-Essays. Hard essays.
-Arrogant professors.
-Waaaaay awesome professors.
-Drama
-A new church. <3
-New friends! <3
-Independence, and (most importantly)
-Love.

Yes. You read that last word correctly. I experienced love. Not God's love, not my family's love. Love from a young man six months older than me. Not the love that comes from a really good friend, or love from one that is like a sibling. LOVE love. Like the love from romantic comedies. Love like that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when that person smiles at you. THAT love. The IN love love. It's sooooo amazing...

And really freakin' scary.

All I think about is how hurt, how miserable I would be if my relationship with this man ever ends. We've talked about getting married, having kids, our careers, our hopes and dreams, everything. The sad part is: We've only been together for three months. Three amazing months. Mom loves him. Kelli loves him (weeeiiirrd). Mason loves him too. I'm not sure about Gordon--he's not so talkative when it comes to guys. But whatever. This boy is so awesome. He makes me smile, he freakin' spoils me like none other (I've gotten four bouquets of flowers in the past three months), he talks to me when no one else will. He is my everything now. We've become so close so quickly; it's surreal. I know I'm stupid for calling this love, but I know it is. You can't judge how fast or how slow you can or cannot fall in love. That is God's decision. I think this is God's decision for me to be with this boy. I met him while caving (i.e. going to caves in Palo Duro Canyon and exploring) with a small group from the Wesley Foundation (the student ministry/church I'm involved in), and since then, we've talked and talked and talked, and I KNOW he's my soulmate. I know it. I'll risk my life for him.

I have money on the fact that you would like to know who this is: Corey Evan Wood. Born March, 17, 1991 (yes, St. Patty's Day). Hazel eyes (though he says brown). "Auburn" hair. 5'7" ish. Most beautiful smile I've ever seen... He is mine all mine. ;D

Anywayyyz. I'm getting tired. I got to work today at 7:30 in the morning, got off at three, went back at five, got off again at eight. I'm gonna take a nap/fall asleep for the night.
This is probably my shortest entry to date, but I don't care. Maybe I'll expand at a later time.

Until then,
Ashlie

My first blog in two months? Wow. And so much has happened! I attended Spirit Wind 2009 and made so many wonderful friends. I finally got my driver's license, but still waiting for the day I can drive alone. I broke up with my boyfriend (mentioned in the previous post) for the following reasons:
-I needed to focus on college

Yeah. That's about it. Sure, I also had other personal reasons, but those are best left in my head and not on the world wide web.

I have so much to learn about myself. I just realized this Saturday night. I'm a horrible, horrible person, but I try my best to fix things as much as I possibly can. I can be shallow, irresponsible, stupid, naive, and overall, totally inconsiderate to what is going on around me. Sadly, I had to learn all of this negative stuff the hard way. I really don't want to go into details (again, something that's better left unsaid), but for the next day and a half, I was absolutely miserable. I cried harder than I have in a long time; I apologized for the smallest things; I was completely out of it at work on Sunday night (mostly due to my lack of sleep the night before and the horrible day at home prior to work); I was snappy; I hated everything involving me, to be honest. I still hate it. I've apologized so many times for something that wasn't even my fault, but yet, I still let everything go wrong.

My life has been awful recently. Sure, compared to others, it's been heaven, but for me, it was an all-time low. I started crying at work because of the rude comments they were saying Sunday evening (ugh)... actually... I've been crying just about everyday. I feel like crying now, but I know better than to bawl my eyes out when I'm trying to type my feelings with a busted blister on my left middle finger, making it THAT MUCH HARDER to type. UGH.

School is in three weeks. Three freaking weeks. I just realized how unprepared I really am. I'm broke, I have one book, I'M BROKE... Ugh. I can't see myself making it through school without help of some sort. Loans look mighty fine right now, especially since they'll pay off the first year of school (or however many years I need it). Even after college, it's only about 143 dollars a month. If I have a steady job when I graduate, I'll be able to pay it off, especially if I start saving now. Like... My next paycheck now. I can't understand how people are able to pay for this kind of stuff. It's hard! I just wish there was an easier way to manage all of this. It would make life a lot more simplistic and a little more enjoyable.

Work is steadily getting more and more stressful. It's like I can't go in without being criticized for something I didn't even do. I've been there for almost a freaking year, and they can't respect me like the respect some of the employees that have been there for a mere four or five months. Every night I close, I get a 100% and get commended by the managers, but there are nights where I get a 100% and get yelled at for someone's sloppy work in the kitchen. Is that really fair? I bust by butt every time I walk into the store. I don't ask questions--I know what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and I do it in a very time-efficient manner. Do I get commended for that? No. But others get "Well done!" or "Way to go!" for a half-way finished close, while they were texting for the entire 5 hours they were working. I work (on average) 20-25 hours a week, and there are people there who are working 30-40 hours--and they've only been there for three months. Really? They got a raise two weeks into their job and I didn't get one until 8 months in? How does that make me feel? I am the hardest worker they've got and they can't understand that. I am kind to the customers, I respect my employees, I help out when something/someone is falling behind.... I'm getting sick of it. The only thing that's making me stay there is the stupid economy. No one has any open positions. OR they DO have open positions--they just want to start at 7.25 an hour, compared to my 7.50. Seriously? I have the strongest work ethic of anyone at that restaurant. Thanks a lot, you guys.

I honestly wish I could see into the future. I want to know what I'm doing as a career. How many kids I'll have. Who my husband will be... so many questions and not enough time. An eternity with God is actually all I want right now. Life with Him seems to be what I look forward to. I don't look forward to hardly ANYTHING anymore on earth. I actually WANT to die so I can spend forever with my God, the only man who accepts me for who I am and asks no questions.

A lot of the guys that like me are weird. No offense to any of them... but for some strange reason, I can't seem to get the football guys. I get the bookworms or the emo kids. Yeah, I know "Looks aren't everything, Ashlie." I know they're not. That's not what I look for in a relationship. I look for personality, chemistry, respect, honesty and loyalty, humor, sense of adventure, outgoing-type, relaxed, willing to take random pictures with me, accepts me for my crazy obsession with band/drumline at football games, accepts me for my crazy obsession for football, accepts me for my crazy obsession with Harry Potter, let's me sing/dance/be wild when I want to and not laugh at me for the awfulness that is me, gets really happy when I text him or call him at random times just to say hi, doesn't pressure me into being someone I'm not, doesn't pressure me into rushing things, let's me take things at my pace... Why did God make it so hard for me to find the one I'm supposed to be with, and so easy for others? Why did He make me so impatient? Why did He make me decide to wait a year to even CONSIDER another guy? (I lied, I still consider guys, but I'm not dating...) Why does He make my life so complicated and full of drama?

For so long, I've tried being the caring, trustworthy friend that anyone and everyone could come to when something doesn't go right. Instead, someone rants to me about how awful their day has been and then says "I'm gonna call so-and-so now. L8r!" How does that make me feel? I let you use MY time to talk about YOUR day, and all I did was sit there and listen to you. What about "Thanks for that, Ashlie, I appreciate it. How has your day been? Everything okay?" Let ME rant for once. I'd like to do that to a person, not to some creeper reading this blog post (or my aunt or uncle or best friend, since no one else reads this...). Let me know that you know I care about you. Let me understand you care about me too, and I'm not there for giggles. When I go through a traumatic experience with someone, we both rant about it to each other. We help each other. But when a bulletin survey on myspace asks: "Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?" and the other person says "Uh, well, IDK!", I get frustrated, because I know you know I was the last person you had that "deep conversation" with. It's like I'm not even there! I spend my time with you, enjoy your company, and you throw it all away like it's no big deal. That's my friendship you just tossed out, buddy. And yet I still say "if there's anything you need, let me know" or "I love you!" Obviousy, there is still someone out there who is better than me. I've tried time and time again to make you see I'M RIGHT HERE. It's like you're trying to cover up the fact that we're "friends." You say we're friends now, but you certainly don't act like it. It's like I'm being used for something and I just can't see what it is...

My true friends are too far away. I can text them whenever, but I can't get a comforting hug from them... John is here but summer band has started, so I won't see him until like... The day after his birthday... maybe even after that. Laura is still in Minnesota... and my new bestie, Brooke, is in Midland (four hours away from here). Joy. I've tried finding friends here, but (as stated in the paragraph above) it's not looking up for me. I'm just used and abused. Lucky, lucky me.

They say you'll meet new people and make more friends in college... If they're wrong, someone's getting punched in the stomach.

Much love,
Ashlie

Once again, I find myself bored out of my mind, sitting in front of a screen and typing. This time, I'm in front of my laptop's screen (AHH) and watching "The Spirit" or whatever. It's alright, I guess. I think I'd get it more if I had seen Sin City, but whatever. The guy who plays the Spirit is pretty dang fine. ;)

Since February, the following has occured:
-Attended my senior prom.
-Applied for thirty-some-odd scholarships and got NOTHING.
-Went to Spring Rehearsal for Spirit Wind 2009.
-Broke down on multiple occasions.
-Went to Colorado for my orchestra spring trip.
-Started to like Louisiana boy again, but got over it.
-Got over worker-boy (aka blondie) due to girlfriend that I went to school with for a semester.
-Wrote a pretty decent diary about my days since a little before my spring trip to Colorado and gave it to John at graduation rehearsal. He was in shock. :P
-Oh yeah... GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL.

Once upon a time, I had a dream that I would graduated high school at the top of my class, with scholarships being thrown in my face like tomatoes at a horrible act on stage. In that dream, I got to give a nice speech that everyone loved. I was recognized for doing awesome stuff around the campus of Amarillo High. Everyone knew my name and cheered when I walked that stage.

Then I woke up.

I was just outside the top 25% of my class, not getting a single scholarship because of it. Instead of giving the amazing speech, I sat with the orchestra and played my violin for the graduating class and the friends and family that support each senior. The most I did for my school was getting my 18 hours for National Honor Society in. The only people who cheered for me at graduation were my family, my boyfriend, and the winds section of the orchestra. Basically, I didn't live that dream. LUUUUCKY ME. Woofreakinghoo.

As mentioned above, I do have a boyfriend. Taron is a guy I met at a graduation party. We started talking, he came to see me at work, went to play 18 holes of golf (I own'd him), and the rest is history. Sometimes, I feel like he deserves better than little old me. He's way to sweet for my own good, always considerate of my feelings and my personal life. My family absolutely adores him. My grandparents, my aunt and uncle, even my SISTER, who has a history of hating all of my past boyfriends. Hmmm. I have this feeling that something is going to happen while I'm gone for two weeks, but I just don't know what. I really hope it's nothing bad. :/

The only thing that made me cry at my graduation was seeing John. I didn't cry when I heard the speeches. I didn't cry when I sang my school song for the last time. I didn't cry when I received my diploma. I went upstairs, met my mom and family and boyfriend, took the boyfriend back down to the orchestra area, and almost started freaking out because my little Asian wasn't there. I put my cap, diploma, tassle and camera in Taron's hands and started asking around as to where John was. The moment I saw him, I lost it completely. Honest. I ran up to him and began to cry. I didn't let go for a while. I'm pretty sure I made a fool of myself, crying like a baby in front of everyone. To be straight with you, I don't care. John is my best friend, and if I hadn't seen him after graduation, I would've cried harder. John and I have been through so much, and I can't believe I'm letting him go. It's one of those things I have to accept though.

Because it's summer, I have several things to do that take up a ton of my free time. First off, I have an incredibly busy weekend. Friday night is Katie's banquet, which is where I will begin Spirit Wind with her, Shannon and Kyle. I'll spend the weekend with the little group, eventually meeting up with Liz, and then traveling down to Camp Butman early Sunday afternoon. After that, it's two full weeks of praising God, having fun, making new friends...just basically enjoying myself for two weeks. I was texting a few Spirit Winders yesterday and all of them seem very excited to see me on Sunday. Zane, Aaron, Victor... and of course, Brooke. Brooke will be my roommate for two weeks, and I'm pretty anxious for it. I have that feeling she'll be one of the ones I'll become pretty close to. Victor and Liz are two others that I will probably be close to. And Jackie. And Kyle. I'm already close with Aaron, and kinda Zane. A few others as well. AHHH. I really can't wait...

For some random reason, I have realized that life is really way shorter than everyone thinks it is. Seriously, I just graduated high school! Now it's four more years of schooling at WT, meeting/marrying the one I'm supposed to be with, then starting a family. It's surreal. It's the real deal now. I can't really believe any of this. Life is moving so fast. Maybe I can put the brakes on it for a day or two, maybe even a week, just so I can catch up. I'm falling behind in being prepared for what I need to be ready for. When something major happens, will I be ready? I highly doubt it, but I only hope someone will be there when I fall.

Here's a song by Miley Cyrus. Don't judge me; it's a really good song.

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming but,
There's a voice inside my head
Sayin' you'll never reach it.
Every step I'm takin',
Every move I make feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'.
But I gotta keep tryin'.
Gotta keep my head held high.

There's always gonna be another mountain.
I'm always gonna wanna make it move.
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side,
It's the climb.

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but,
No, I'm not breaking.
I may not know it, but these are the moments
That I'm gonna remember most, yeah,
Just gotta keep going

And I, I gotta be strong,
Just keep pushing on, 'cause,

There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.

There's always gonna be another mountain,
I'm always gonna wanna make it move,
Always gonna be an uphill battle,
Somtimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side.
It's the climb.

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin',
Keep the faith baby.
It's all about, it's all about
The Climb.
Keep the faith, keep your faith.

--The Climb, by Miley Cyrus....

What a lovely song. So inspirational. I'm not even a Miley fan, and I love this freakin' song. It's an uplifting song. I'm gonna keep listening to it and maybe get a little happier with my difficult life.
Until then, enjoy your June. :)

Love to everyone,
Ashlie

Four months and one day later...

So, it's been a while since I last posted a blog. Here's a short run-down of what's happened since last October:

-I got accepted to WT.
-Had an almost-relationship with someone who really should never be anything more than a friend.
-Almost failed, but ended up passing, economics.
-Performed Thoroughly Modern Millie on stage (well done).
-Did a couple of orchestra concerts.
-Attended a band concert.
-Hung out with a few people.
-Worked.
-Got to make new friends at work, including a current crush.
-Started working at Cinnabon, though I think that might have happened right before my last blog.
-Witnessed three car wrecks.
-Got a brand new iPod. Finally.
-Moved up eight chairs in orchestra, only to stay the same AND fall back one at the most recent chair test (thank you, Erin).
-Got to see Twilight. Twice.
-Lost two really good friends. Best decision of my life.
-Started to MAJORLY like a guy in Louisiana, but I got over it once I found out that he has a girlfriend.
-Started to like a co-worker (different one--the last one quit). Slowly getting over him, since he (possibly) has a girlfriend as well.
-Auditioned for Spirit Wind 2009. Look it up.
-Threw up for the first time in a year. Not fun.
-Started to consider different majors.
-Got a new cell phone.

Obviously, more has happened since October of 2008. I can't remember everything off the top of my head, but these are some highlights. Some are low, duh. Here's what did NOT happen:

-Fall in love.
-Kiss someone.
-Have sex.
-Did drugs.
-Have alcohol.
-Fail a class.
-Quit my job.
-Get my license.

The list goes on.

Right now, I'm just sitting in front of the computer typing this blog. Obviously. I should be finishing scholarship applications, but that's why I set aside tomorrow. :) I was supposed to go to a dance tonight, but that fell through, since the band director decided to shove his baton up his butt and ban the non-band kids from coming tonight, even though more than half of the band have friends/relationships OUTSIDE the band hall...and it's a Valentine's dance. What the hay? Oh well. Now I'm stuck doing nothing on a Friday night because no one can freaking reply to my text messages.

But... sigh... I'm sure no one really wants to hang out with me. I'm not a somebody--I'm a nobody. I'm a nerd. I wear glasses because I ran out of contact lenses. I play the violin in the school orchestra and I don't drink or smoke or have sex. I have two best friends and one other really good friend: one is seventeen hours away, one has other friends besides me (and is also in band, therefore he's at the dance as I type this), and the other is in a relationship, and spends time with her boyfriend when given the chance. I'm not popular and I never have been. Two of my friends are waaaaay out of town (Louisiana and Midland). I can never be considered responsible by my parents. I'm misunderstood most of the time. No one understands me. Not John, not Laura or Megan. No one. Not even me.

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I'm falling apart ever so slowly. I don't know when I'll stop falling and when I'll pick myself up. I'm unimportant in so many aspects of life. I just wish I could understand why no one will accept me for who I am and not for who I'm not. I wish people would stop pressuring me to do something I'm not willing to do. I wish I lived somewhere far away where people don't know me so I can start fresh. I wish I could change my phone number so I can stop getting text messages from people who don't understand what I'm going through. I wish I could let someone in, someone who is more than willing to hang out with me, or just call me to say hi.

I wish I were someone else.

I feel like the only people who really truly connect with me are... wait.... Scratch that. Um... I guess work accepts me for me, but that's because they have to. They pay me money, so they kinda hafta do that. I do think that some people really can't stand me. I know I can't stand some people there, but I feel like I'm nothing more than just some pesky senior girl who doesn't know her place there. ...And I just got a text saying "Hey, can't do anything tonight. sorry." What? Really? UGH. I wanna get out of this house so bad. There's nothing I can do. I feel so freaking ALONE IN THIS WORLD.
I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS LONELINESS.

I just... wanna be accepted. Cared for. Loved. I don't think I can find that here.

I don't think I ever will.

Unoriginal

Once again, I'm posting a title last, but you wouldn't have known that if I hadn't mentioned it. Well, I'm mentioning it.

This weekend has been terrible. Friday started out pretty well, I guess. No work, a pep rally was scheduled and football was that night against Midland High. Unfortunately, we lost to the Bulldogs 52-49. In double overtime. Football players were crying, I was crying... it was just a bad night. But I was looking forward to Saturday--all day at WT? Yeah. Good day. WT played ACU that night. Once more, I experience another football loss, this time 52-35. I left before I could see anything else happen to the Buffs. But the band did well, as usual. Megan and I got to watch them rehearse before the game started, which was enjoyable. AND IT WASN'T RAINING!! I come home and tell my mom that I love WT and that I got to talk to two department heads (music and English) but my mom only said that I should "think about things because I'm no good at the things I'm passionate about." Killer to my self-esteem, yes? Sadly, I can't say I'm interested in anything else besides music and writing/reading because I'm not. My mom gave me the "you need to think of a career that will stable you financially and not teaching" speech. I just... UGH. I dunno. I've been iffy about what I want to do after college, and my mother isn't helping at all.

Off topic, but BOYS ARE ANNOYING. One minute this guy is flirting with me, telling me how attractive he thinks I am and the next he's got a girlfriend. WHAT?! I actually liked this guy? What for? Besides the fact that he's got great taste in music, he's really attractive, he's funny and sweet and all of this stuff... Whatever. I'm just going to forget about it as best I can. The sad thing is is that I work with him. Yeah...

I try to live my life normally at school or when I'm around people. I'm not dramatic, I'm not all "LOOK AT ME MY LIFE IS AWFUL." I'm just not like that at all. I try to keep to myself or write it out. Or listen to music, but my iPod is dead at the moment and really needs to be charged. But at any rate, I'm still me. Just the same senior girl looking for a way to get to college. Trying to find a suitable career path. Looking for the bright side, but always finding the dark. Writing her heart out to find the answers to her own life, but only finding more questions. Still the same Ashlie.

I feel like walking around the neighborhood for a while, but I might not get to. I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm bored.... I guess I'm just lazy. :P But life goes on, right? Yes. You fail at life if you think it doesn't.

I'm going to put more songs on my iPod, charge it up, and go jump on the trampoline. I might add more to this later, if I feel it necessary. It's quite short, so I might do something to it Tuesday (since I work Monday...)

-Ashlie

Love.

Such a small word, yet with so many complex meanings. This is going to be an intense blog, so you better be prepared for the most emotion you've probably seen from me in a long time.

The past two days or so have been filled with so many feelings, both good and bad. Mostly bad, but we're not discussing them right now. At school, I've been the outgoing, bubbly girl that I usually am, but alone, at home, on the internet, I'm not. I'm depressed, I'm annoying, I'm ...emo?...minus the cutting, I'm not in the mood to talk to a single soul unless I want to. Boys and friends have pushed me to the edge, mostly for bad/aggravating reasons. I want to know what is going on in my life without being this annoyingly confused. LOVE is going on all around me, and all I want is to be a part of it all. Sure, it's not easy, and it sure is hard to feel that way about someone.

Marriage is within the next several years. Or so I hope. I was talking last night to Heather about marriage, and we both had the same ideas about it: Start looking for a guy that we'd be happy with for the rest of our lives. Not a simple task, is it? Especially since both of us want to be married no later than 25. BUT with the pressure from college/high school/work forcing us down, it's hard to look around and see what's surrounding us. Up until now (with the exception of one or two), most of my relationships were casual. However, starting now, the guy I want to date must meet my expectations of a potentially good husband, flaws included. I was talking to John about this subject of "falling in love" and "getting married." He said that most relationships in high school (especially senior year) are intended to be casual, but for me, it's the complete opposite. This year, I want a semi-serious to serious relationship, or at least one that will last a long time. Love is not an easy thing to find. Not at all. It's something that can be taken so lightly but has serious consequences if done as such.

I just don't know. I guess my relationship life hasn't been that great, nor have a couple of my friendships. Never have I been so willing to talk about a difficult subject. Sure, some of you reading this will be all "Love isn't hard to talk about; I mean, duuuuh. My bf/gf and I have been dating for TWO DAYS and we're SO in love." Two days? Tw-- seriously. That's just outrageous. Especially if you just met on a whim, which seems to be the case in most high school relationships, sometimes even after. Yes, it is possible to be in love without actually dating them, or you've previously dated them but are no longer seeing them. It is. I've experienced it secondhand. A friend of mine is going through a similar situation. I personally have never felt what love is, other than that of feeling love for a friend or family member. Love as in "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love has not yet been felt by this girl. It's so difficult to live up to the standards I've made myself. When am I going to find this guy that I'm supposedly going to marry and live with and have kids with and grow old with? WHEN?! I'm so impatient. I can't take this.

John made me feel a little better about everything, to an extent: he boosted my self-esteem ever so slightly. I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster ride the past two days that even the tiniest few words he told me makes me want to cry just typing it. He knows what he said. I don't believe him, but whatever. He tried. :) I really want the best for him, I really do. He deserves it, that Asian kid. lol... If that girl does ANYTHING to hurt him, she'll have me to answer to. He's seriously one of TWO people who have at least talked to me about my feelings, not turning things into stuff about them. He and this other girl (Laura, just so you all know) have helped me SO MUCH. Others have just been all "Well, I'm better than you; I get paid more; I'm in love (x 354654065423483); blaaaaaaah." Another person (Leslie) has listened to me rant about everything. It's good to have someone to talk to about stuff at school, not waiting all day to get home and send a message or chat to. As much as I love the other two, Leslie is at school willing to talk, when certain people get under my skin.

One of my friends is going to be getting engaged soon. I'm not mentioning who, since she wants the subject to remain on the d-l. But still... she's getting engaged. Married. Kids. She's found her "true love." Why can't I? It bogs me down when I have to watch all of my friends find the ones they want to spend the rest of their lives with and I'm sitting here still searching, getting more and more heartbroken. Sure, one day, I will find that someone and I'll be the happiest person in the world. But why not now? Why do I have to wait? How is this fair? God knows I'm not a patient person, so why is He making me wait for something I don't want to be waiting for?

Why is love so freaking complicated? Why does it have to have so many meanings? Why does it have to be manipulated and played with? Why have I thought I was falling in love, when I was only being pushed away, while my heart was being taken from my chest, beaten with a stick and burned? Thank you, God. Thank you. I don't know what to think. I want to be in love. I want to know what it's like. I know for a fact it's not going to be one of those fairy-tale/romance novel kind of loves; it's going to be a harsh, hard-to-get, emotionally-draining, physically-exhausting love. In the end, I'll know it was all worth it. Everything I'm going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the punching the pillows, the constant blasting of the iPod... all of it will be over.

I like how John put my bad history with relationships: I'm just unlucky. I'll add to that: VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY unlucky. Very. Want proof? Look at my past boyfriends: One cheated on me. One wasn't serious about it at all. One didn't even feel the same way (freaking pity thing...). One did like me, but there wasn't much of a connection. I didn't talk to one of them that often, but now we're pretty decent friends. One was quite a serious relationship, but the time was sooo bad that it wasn't working out. One was just... not for me. It was a difficult relationship. As for... non-boyfriends... yeah. We're not even discussing that one.

But I guess it's time to shut this blog down for now. I might come back and update this Thursday when I'm not working. :/ In short, love is WAY to complicated for me right now. I guess I'll have to live with the complexity of it for the time being.

Best wishes and much love,
Ashlie