My first blog in two months? Wow. And so much has happened! I attended Spirit Wind 2009 and made so many wonderful friends. I finally got my driver's license, but still waiting for the day I can drive alone. I broke up with my boyfriend (mentioned in the previous post) for the following reasons:
-I needed to focus on college

Yeah. That's about it. Sure, I also had other personal reasons, but those are best left in my head and not on the world wide web.

I have so much to learn about myself. I just realized this Saturday night. I'm a horrible, horrible person, but I try my best to fix things as much as I possibly can. I can be shallow, irresponsible, stupid, naive, and overall, totally inconsiderate to what is going on around me. Sadly, I had to learn all of this negative stuff the hard way. I really don't want to go into details (again, something that's better left unsaid), but for the next day and a half, I was absolutely miserable. I cried harder than I have in a long time; I apologized for the smallest things; I was completely out of it at work on Sunday night (mostly due to my lack of sleep the night before and the horrible day at home prior to work); I was snappy; I hated everything involving me, to be honest. I still hate it. I've apologized so many times for something that wasn't even my fault, but yet, I still let everything go wrong.

My life has been awful recently. Sure, compared to others, it's been heaven, but for me, it was an all-time low. I started crying at work because of the rude comments they were saying Sunday evening (ugh)... actually... I've been crying just about everyday. I feel like crying now, but I know better than to bawl my eyes out when I'm trying to type my feelings with a busted blister on my left middle finger, making it THAT MUCH HARDER to type. UGH.

School is in three weeks. Three freaking weeks. I just realized how unprepared I really am. I'm broke, I have one book, I'M BROKE... Ugh. I can't see myself making it through school without help of some sort. Loans look mighty fine right now, especially since they'll pay off the first year of school (or however many years I need it). Even after college, it's only about 143 dollars a month. If I have a steady job when I graduate, I'll be able to pay it off, especially if I start saving now. Like... My next paycheck now. I can't understand how people are able to pay for this kind of stuff. It's hard! I just wish there was an easier way to manage all of this. It would make life a lot more simplistic and a little more enjoyable.

Work is steadily getting more and more stressful. It's like I can't go in without being criticized for something I didn't even do. I've been there for almost a freaking year, and they can't respect me like the respect some of the employees that have been there for a mere four or five months. Every night I close, I get a 100% and get commended by the managers, but there are nights where I get a 100% and get yelled at for someone's sloppy work in the kitchen. Is that really fair? I bust by butt every time I walk into the store. I don't ask questions--I know what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, and I do it in a very time-efficient manner. Do I get commended for that? No. But others get "Well done!" or "Way to go!" for a half-way finished close, while they were texting for the entire 5 hours they were working. I work (on average) 20-25 hours a week, and there are people there who are working 30-40 hours--and they've only been there for three months. Really? They got a raise two weeks into their job and I didn't get one until 8 months in? How does that make me feel? I am the hardest worker they've got and they can't understand that. I am kind to the customers, I respect my employees, I help out when something/someone is falling behind.... I'm getting sick of it. The only thing that's making me stay there is the stupid economy. No one has any open positions. OR they DO have open positions--they just want to start at 7.25 an hour, compared to my 7.50. Seriously? I have the strongest work ethic of anyone at that restaurant. Thanks a lot, you guys.

I honestly wish I could see into the future. I want to know what I'm doing as a career. How many kids I'll have. Who my husband will be... so many questions and not enough time. An eternity with God is actually all I want right now. Life with Him seems to be what I look forward to. I don't look forward to hardly ANYTHING anymore on earth. I actually WANT to die so I can spend forever with my God, the only man who accepts me for who I am and asks no questions.

A lot of the guys that like me are weird. No offense to any of them... but for some strange reason, I can't seem to get the football guys. I get the bookworms or the emo kids. Yeah, I know "Looks aren't everything, Ashlie." I know they're not. That's not what I look for in a relationship. I look for personality, chemistry, respect, honesty and loyalty, humor, sense of adventure, outgoing-type, relaxed, willing to take random pictures with me, accepts me for my crazy obsession with band/drumline at football games, accepts me for my crazy obsession for football, accepts me for my crazy obsession with Harry Potter, let's me sing/dance/be wild when I want to and not laugh at me for the awfulness that is me, gets really happy when I text him or call him at random times just to say hi, doesn't pressure me into being someone I'm not, doesn't pressure me into rushing things, let's me take things at my pace... Why did God make it so hard for me to find the one I'm supposed to be with, and so easy for others? Why did He make me so impatient? Why did He make me decide to wait a year to even CONSIDER another guy? (I lied, I still consider guys, but I'm not dating...) Why does He make my life so complicated and full of drama?

For so long, I've tried being the caring, trustworthy friend that anyone and everyone could come to when something doesn't go right. Instead, someone rants to me about how awful their day has been and then says "I'm gonna call so-and-so now. L8r!" How does that make me feel? I let you use MY time to talk about YOUR day, and all I did was sit there and listen to you. What about "Thanks for that, Ashlie, I appreciate it. How has your day been? Everything okay?" Let ME rant for once. I'd like to do that to a person, not to some creeper reading this blog post (or my aunt or uncle or best friend, since no one else reads this...). Let me know that you know I care about you. Let me understand you care about me too, and I'm not there for giggles. When I go through a traumatic experience with someone, we both rant about it to each other. We help each other. But when a bulletin survey on myspace asks: "Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?" and the other person says "Uh, well, IDK!", I get frustrated, because I know you know I was the last person you had that "deep conversation" with. It's like I'm not even there! I spend my time with you, enjoy your company, and you throw it all away like it's no big deal. That's my friendship you just tossed out, buddy. And yet I still say "if there's anything you need, let me know" or "I love you!" Obviousy, there is still someone out there who is better than me. I've tried time and time again to make you see I'M RIGHT HERE. It's like you're trying to cover up the fact that we're "friends." You say we're friends now, but you certainly don't act like it. It's like I'm being used for something and I just can't see what it is...

My true friends are too far away. I can text them whenever, but I can't get a comforting hug from them... John is here but summer band has started, so I won't see him until like... The day after his birthday... maybe even after that. Laura is still in Minnesota... and my new bestie, Brooke, is in Midland (four hours away from here). Joy. I've tried finding friends here, but (as stated in the paragraph above) it's not looking up for me. I'm just used and abused. Lucky, lucky me.

They say you'll meet new people and make more friends in college... If they're wrong, someone's getting punched in the stomach.

Much love,
Ashlie