Living Life Inside a Dream.

Summer is almost over. It's hard to believe, but it's really ending. August 25 will be my last first day of school as a high school student trying to make it through the day. This coming Wednesday, I'm visiting a college that is a possible option for my education after I graduate. To be honest, I'm scared. I've visited one college my entire life, but the downfall is that I've been to it at least once or twice a year so I know the basic layout of the campus. This one is... big. Very very very big. One of the biggest in the state. I'm going to feel so out of place. It's really hard to comprehend that I'm really graduating in a few short months. This year is going to go by so quickly--I don't know if I'm ready for it.

Like the title implies, it feels like I'm living my life inside a dream. If something happens, sometimes it feels extremely surreal. It makes me wonder why I'm alive. I still haven't found that meaning yet, and when I do, I'll be sure to spread the word. I still wonder what it's like to be dead. I know I'm morbid, but I don't care right now... I can't care at this particular moment. Death seems so... boring? I don't know. Not being able to feel anything--no pain, happiness, sadness, EMOTION--nothing. Darkness, no sound. No memory of anything. Not knowing anything about anything. It's weird. I'm weird for already thinking about it. I'm almost seventeen years old; I shouldn't be thinking about this. I have my whole life ahead of me.

Oh, dear Lord. Life. Adulthood. A year and seventeen days away. WHAAAAA? I'm gonna be an adult in a little over a year. It's... SURREAL. It's like I'm in a dream (like I've stated before). Soon, I'm going to be in college, then graduating college with a degree, starting a career, a family, everything. It's crazy. I don't know how my parents went through it. How my grandparents went through it. How ANYONE is going through it right now. Sometimes my thoughts are so wrapped up in just the mere thought of living that I can't think about anything else--I've hardly thought about boys in a while, and that's odd for me. Usually, I'm so infatuated with someone that they're all I talk about. Now? Now it's like "Boys, schmoys." Sure, I'd like a boyfriend, but I'm gonna be too closed up that I'll feel like he doesn't think I trust him (which is what happened in my most serious relationship). I do trust certain boys, but not completely-- just the one, and he's like a brother to me. I can tell him anything and he'll give me advice about it. It was awkward yesterday: I got a message on facebook from a girl who was in my English class last year, asking me if I was dating John. My reaction was this: "WHAT?! NONONONONONONONO." In the message, I just responded with "Uh, no. He's my best guy friend." I guess it just shows how closed I am around other guys. John and I just clicked. I don't know why, but we did. He's helped me with my relationship issues and I've helped him in return... not to mention I've helped him on essays for Mr. Roberts. The kid is a genius--I don't know why he asked for MY opinion, but I'm not complaining.

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my friends. I tend to think that a lot, actually. I feel that my life can't amount to theirs and I should be locked in solitary confinement for the rest of my life. With a couple of my friends, I feel insignificant to them. They walk all over me. With others, I think that they just don't care. I'll ask them how they are, and they'll say "I'm good." End of discussion. Woofreakinghoo. I try to be the supportive one with ALL of my friends, no matter who they are or what the past was like or what they want to do with their life. But in the end, I can't be that person they can turn to. IF I'm that person, everything is all about them. If I have a problem, it doesn't matter to them. After all, the world revolves around them. Just my luck, right?

I want it to rain hard right now. I'd go out there in a heartbeat and just stand and let it soak me to the core. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to be alone. I want to be in a crowd. I want to be open. I want to be closed. I want to jump for joy. I want to hide in a corner. I want to be everyone's friend. I want to be everyone's worst enemy. You know what? I don't know what I want anymore. All I know is: Two of my friends are my life. When I go a day without talking to them, I feel alone and confused. But it's normal, and hardly anyone cares.

I can't wait to start working. New faces, new friends (...maybe), new beginnings. Thursday can't get here soon enough. I don't know how that's gonna work, since I babysit all freaking day, but I need a job, and I've worked long and hard to find one. Thank God I've been given this opportunity. SCHOOL is what I can't wait for. Seeing old friends, making new ones (again:...maybe), being focused on schoolwork and preparing for college. It's gonna be one heck of a ride, but I can't wait. Sure, it's eerie that I'm leaving for the real world in a year, but it'll be worth the trouble that happens before I through my cap in the air on May 30. And I thought the Class of 2008 would be hard to say goodbye to. Imagine--my own class is finally graduating. Craziness.

I hate the fact that all of these feels like one long dream. Can someone just pinch me NOW? PLEASE? I hate feeling like I'm sleeping all the time, but I'm actually wide awake and talking to people. I'm so freaked out by what's ahead for me: Where I'm going to college, what I'll major in, who I'll marry, how many kids I have and what their names will be... the list goes on, but I don't feel like typing it all out. So... why now? Why are all of these thoughts hitting me this summer? Why not AFTER I graduate high school? All of this is just... I don't know. It just is. It's here. It's now. It's everything I don't want it to be.

But then again--I don't know what I want. Maybe these thoughts ARE what I want, and I just don't know it... we'll see what happens.