Love.

Such a small word, yet with so many complex meanings. This is going to be an intense blog, so you better be prepared for the most emotion you've probably seen from me in a long time.

The past two days or so have been filled with so many feelings, both good and bad. Mostly bad, but we're not discussing them right now. At school, I've been the outgoing, bubbly girl that I usually am, but alone, at home, on the internet, I'm not. I'm depressed, I'm annoying, I'm ...emo?...minus the cutting, I'm not in the mood to talk to a single soul unless I want to. Boys and friends have pushed me to the edge, mostly for bad/aggravating reasons. I want to know what is going on in my life without being this annoyingly confused. LOVE is going on all around me, and all I want is to be a part of it all. Sure, it's not easy, and it sure is hard to feel that way about someone.

Marriage is within the next several years. Or so I hope. I was talking last night to Heather about marriage, and we both had the same ideas about it: Start looking for a guy that we'd be happy with for the rest of our lives. Not a simple task, is it? Especially since both of us want to be married no later than 25. BUT with the pressure from college/high school/work forcing us down, it's hard to look around and see what's surrounding us. Up until now (with the exception of one or two), most of my relationships were casual. However, starting now, the guy I want to date must meet my expectations of a potentially good husband, flaws included. I was talking to John about this subject of "falling in love" and "getting married." He said that most relationships in high school (especially senior year) are intended to be casual, but for me, it's the complete opposite. This year, I want a semi-serious to serious relationship, or at least one that will last a long time. Love is not an easy thing to find. Not at all. It's something that can be taken so lightly but has serious consequences if done as such.

I just don't know. I guess my relationship life hasn't been that great, nor have a couple of my friendships. Never have I been so willing to talk about a difficult subject. Sure, some of you reading this will be all "Love isn't hard to talk about; I mean, duuuuh. My bf/gf and I have been dating for TWO DAYS and we're SO in love." Two days? Tw-- seriously. That's just outrageous. Especially if you just met on a whim, which seems to be the case in most high school relationships, sometimes even after. Yes, it is possible to be in love without actually dating them, or you've previously dated them but are no longer seeing them. It is. I've experienced it secondhand. A friend of mine is going through a similar situation. I personally have never felt what love is, other than that of feeling love for a friend or family member. Love as in "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" love has not yet been felt by this girl. It's so difficult to live up to the standards I've made myself. When am I going to find this guy that I'm supposedly going to marry and live with and have kids with and grow old with? WHEN?! I'm so impatient. I can't take this.

John made me feel a little better about everything, to an extent: he boosted my self-esteem ever so slightly. I've been on such an emotional roller-coaster ride the past two days that even the tiniest few words he told me makes me want to cry just typing it. He knows what he said. I don't believe him, but whatever. He tried. :) I really want the best for him, I really do. He deserves it, that Asian kid. lol... If that girl does ANYTHING to hurt him, she'll have me to answer to. He's seriously one of TWO people who have at least talked to me about my feelings, not turning things into stuff about them. He and this other girl (Laura, just so you all know) have helped me SO MUCH. Others have just been all "Well, I'm better than you; I get paid more; I'm in love (x 354654065423483); blaaaaaaah." Another person (Leslie) has listened to me rant about everything. It's good to have someone to talk to about stuff at school, not waiting all day to get home and send a message or chat to. As much as I love the other two, Leslie is at school willing to talk, when certain people get under my skin.

One of my friends is going to be getting engaged soon. I'm not mentioning who, since she wants the subject to remain on the d-l. But still... she's getting engaged. Married. Kids. She's found her "true love." Why can't I? It bogs me down when I have to watch all of my friends find the ones they want to spend the rest of their lives with and I'm sitting here still searching, getting more and more heartbroken. Sure, one day, I will find that someone and I'll be the happiest person in the world. But why not now? Why do I have to wait? How is this fair? God knows I'm not a patient person, so why is He making me wait for something I don't want to be waiting for?

Why is love so freaking complicated? Why does it have to have so many meanings? Why does it have to be manipulated and played with? Why have I thought I was falling in love, when I was only being pushed away, while my heart was being taken from my chest, beaten with a stick and burned? Thank you, God. Thank you. I don't know what to think. I want to be in love. I want to know what it's like. I know for a fact it's not going to be one of those fairy-tale/romance novel kind of loves; it's going to be a harsh, hard-to-get, emotionally-draining, physically-exhausting love. In the end, I'll know it was all worth it. Everything I'm going through will be worth it. The pain, the tears, the punching the pillows, the constant blasting of the iPod... all of it will be over.

I like how John put my bad history with relationships: I'm just unlucky. I'll add to that: VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY unlucky. Very. Want proof? Look at my past boyfriends: One cheated on me. One wasn't serious about it at all. One didn't even feel the same way (freaking pity thing...). One did like me, but there wasn't much of a connection. I didn't talk to one of them that often, but now we're pretty decent friends. One was quite a serious relationship, but the time was sooo bad that it wasn't working out. One was just... not for me. It was a difficult relationship. As for... non-boyfriends... yeah. We're not even discussing that one.

But I guess it's time to shut this blog down for now. I might come back and update this Thursday when I'm not working. :/ In short, love is WAY to complicated for me right now. I guess I'll have to live with the complexity of it for the time being.

Best wishes and much love,
Ashlie