Four months and one day later...

So, it's been a while since I last posted a blog. Here's a short run-down of what's happened since last October:

-I got accepted to WT.
-Had an almost-relationship with someone who really should never be anything more than a friend.
-Almost failed, but ended up passing, economics.
-Performed Thoroughly Modern Millie on stage (well done).
-Did a couple of orchestra concerts.
-Attended a band concert.
-Hung out with a few people.
-Worked.
-Got to make new friends at work, including a current crush.
-Started working at Cinnabon, though I think that might have happened right before my last blog.
-Witnessed three car wrecks.
-Got a brand new iPod. Finally.
-Moved up eight chairs in orchestra, only to stay the same AND fall back one at the most recent chair test (thank you, Erin).
-Got to see Twilight. Twice.
-Lost two really good friends. Best decision of my life.
-Started to MAJORLY like a guy in Louisiana, but I got over it once I found out that he has a girlfriend.
-Started to like a co-worker (different one--the last one quit). Slowly getting over him, since he (possibly) has a girlfriend as well.
-Auditioned for Spirit Wind 2009. Look it up.
-Threw up for the first time in a year. Not fun.
-Started to consider different majors.
-Got a new cell phone.

Obviously, more has happened since October of 2008. I can't remember everything off the top of my head, but these are some highlights. Some are low, duh. Here's what did NOT happen:

-Fall in love.
-Kiss someone.
-Have sex.
-Did drugs.
-Have alcohol.
-Fail a class.
-Quit my job.
-Get my license.

The list goes on.

Right now, I'm just sitting in front of the computer typing this blog. Obviously. I should be finishing scholarship applications, but that's why I set aside tomorrow. :) I was supposed to go to a dance tonight, but that fell through, since the band director decided to shove his baton up his butt and ban the non-band kids from coming tonight, even though more than half of the band have friends/relationships OUTSIDE the band hall...and it's a Valentine's dance. What the hay? Oh well. Now I'm stuck doing nothing on a Friday night because no one can freaking reply to my text messages.

But... sigh... I'm sure no one really wants to hang out with me. I'm not a somebody--I'm a nobody. I'm a nerd. I wear glasses because I ran out of contact lenses. I play the violin in the school orchestra and I don't drink or smoke or have sex. I have two best friends and one other really good friend: one is seventeen hours away, one has other friends besides me (and is also in band, therefore he's at the dance as I type this), and the other is in a relationship, and spends time with her boyfriend when given the chance. I'm not popular and I never have been. Two of my friends are waaaaay out of town (Louisiana and Midland). I can never be considered responsible by my parents. I'm misunderstood most of the time. No one understands me. Not John, not Laura or Megan. No one. Not even me.

I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I'm falling apart ever so slowly. I don't know when I'll stop falling and when I'll pick myself up. I'm unimportant in so many aspects of life. I just wish I could understand why no one will accept me for who I am and not for who I'm not. I wish people would stop pressuring me to do something I'm not willing to do. I wish I lived somewhere far away where people don't know me so I can start fresh. I wish I could change my phone number so I can stop getting text messages from people who don't understand what I'm going through. I wish I could let someone in, someone who is more than willing to hang out with me, or just call me to say hi.

I wish I were someone else.

I feel like the only people who really truly connect with me are... wait.... Scratch that. Um... I guess work accepts me for me, but that's because they have to. They pay me money, so they kinda hafta do that. I do think that some people really can't stand me. I know I can't stand some people there, but I feel like I'm nothing more than just some pesky senior girl who doesn't know her place there. ...And I just got a text saying "Hey, can't do anything tonight. sorry." What? Really? UGH. I wanna get out of this house so bad. There's nothing I can do. I feel so freaking ALONE IN THIS WORLD.
I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS LONELINESS.

I just... wanna be accepted. Cared for. Loved. I don't think I can find that here.

I don't think I ever will.