A blog from my myspace

I hate regrets, only because I can't regret them. Weird, huh? So many things have happend since January of this year and all I can think of is "What. Just. Happened?" Everytime I remember something that's happened since the beginning of the year, I feel sick inside. I really do. It's like... I don't know. From breaking up with someone to having a very quick fling, to going back out with an ex, to liking guys that I've only known for a few months... It makes me nauseous. I've hurt so many people and I regret it, but I can't regret it (yeah, I know it's confusing...it made sense in my head). I hurt ex-boyfriends, family, FRIENDS, and myself, and I feel so bad for doing anything that hurt anyone. I love all of my friends, no matter how close. Each and every one of them means the world to me. Sometimes I just think I'm not worth their time. Actually, I KNOW I'm not worth their time. People have shown it to me without even trying (thank you).

There are so many people that I need to thank for showing me who I (sort of) am. They've helped me through the stickiest spots in my life and without them, I'd be nothing. I'm not going to say any names, but I'm sure you can figure it out just by reading these. Yeah, some of the people on here are in my note on facebook, some are not. More than likely, not everything will be said in here. Sorry, but somethings are kept private. Just read it. If you're not on here, I'm sorry...understand that I still love you.

-Alright, you're first. You've been my best friend since the summer of eighth grade. We hated each other (literally) until we found out we were both HUGE Harry Potter fans. So much as gone on since we became friends, things that I'm not going to mention here. I can't thank you enough. I know we don't get along sometimes, and we fight like cats and dogs when we're feeling our worst, but know I still love you. You've helped me learn about the importance of friends and the value of keeping other people's feelings in consideration. Thanks.

-Oh boy. Interesting times, yes? You may not admit it, but you have certainly helped me through some sticky situations, and very recent situations, I might add. I sometimes think I've abused the privilage of having you as a friend because I come to you for my (often petty) problems. Everytime I say thank you, your reply is normally "'Twas nothing." It was something. My little white self would be huddled in a corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth because my whimpy problems would've made me go insane.

-To be honest, I didn't think I'd mention you third on this list. Actually, I didn't even think you'd make this list. You're on it though--and on the facebook one. You don't know how much you mean to me. Without even trying, you've helped me through the DARKEST of my days. I'm sure MY friend from the midwest helped me a bit, but we don't talk every day like you and your midwestern friend, you lucky duck (I haven't said that in years!). I know you're probably saying "GO AWAY" but I'm not going anywhere, much to your dismay (lol). You don't even try and your stubborness and humor has made my hardest days seem like nothing went wrong. Not to mention, your little facebook post is now my life motto. rofl

-I've never even met you. I've heard so many things about you though. Ha, you're not even on my myspace/facebook and yet I'm writing this to you. I don't know if our mutual friend will read this, but if he does, he better send it to you. He doesn't have to, of course. Without even talking to you, you've helped me find the meaning of love. I know you're probably thinking "what is this girl's problem?" but you have to understand, this mutual friend of ours talks of you quite a bit. Always good things, of course. You live so far away but you two still manage to talk every day. I don't know how you do it, but I'm quite impressed. Now I'm even more jealous of you!...just kidding. Thanks for teaching me the value of friendship and love...without even knowing my name.

-What would I do without you? We're so busy all the time that talking to you is so hard! We leave comments on myspace, but we can't manage to talk to each other on the phone for three seconds everyday. It's really depressing. You've been there for me (sort of) the past two years. I've seen pictures of your graduation and you've changed from the time we first met. You went from this shy, sophomore girl to a strong, driven freshman in college. You've taught me the importance of friendship and how strong it can be, even thousands of miles away. I'm so glad to call you my long lost sister. I love you.

-What have you done? You've found a side of me that I didn't know existed. I practically killed you with one mistake weeks after us breaking up the first time, and I'm still shocked you forgave me. I know you didn't talk to me for months, but after all of it, we came out really good friends. I know we're in the middle of World War III, and I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. You just need to see that the pessimist in me is something you have to accept. You can't even look at me for three seconds without being hurt, and I wish it wasn't like that. You've shown me the importance of what it is to be friends through EVERYTHING. Hopefully we can work past this. Soon....and you can get over me. I'm not worth the pain. Don't you dare say otherwise.

-To everyone else: Thick and thin, we've been through it all. I can't thank you all enough. I love EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, no matter who you are.
______________________________________________________________

There are more values I've learned since... well, since high school started. Frienship, love, freaking money, fun, family, God, life. Every person I know has taught me something new. I've found parts of me that I didn't know existed until I:
1. made a mistake that created chaos
2. found it by accident
3. was slapped in the face by it a few times before I realized it was in front of me the entire time.
The "new me" was more energetic. It was stronger and a million times more outgoing. I used to be such a nerdy little girl, who wouldn't talk to anyone unless I was spoken to first. Now, I'm more than able to go up to someone for any reason and just talk. I'm still nerdy and what not, but I'm more outgoing. My independence has taken over me, and all I want to do is go outside and feel free. I want to jump on the trampoline while listening to my iPod and feel like there are no problems whatsoever. I want to understand the meaning of life, but I have to wait for that one. One of my friends said to me a few days ago: -begin vulgarity- "Grab life by his hairy, sweaty balls."-end vulgarity- Yeah. Weird statement, but if you knew who said it, you wouldn't be surprised. Ha. I know what he means by it though. Not that "life is stupid, just like guys, therefore life is a guy." The real meaning. I don't think he intended it to have a deeper meaning, but when you're lying on the floor, laughing your head off, you think about it: You have to take life as it comes, no matter what.

I never thought that I could sit here for almost an hour typing this thing up. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 1:13. Now, it's... huh. 2:12. Fifty-nine minutes on one blog? Not even a record. Trust me, if I haven't gotten distracted, and I had more things to say, I'd still be typing. For now, I'm going to go get some ice cream, take some Tylenol and maybe even take a nap.

Love you guys,
Ashlie